Some thoughts on tonight's broadcast of the Season 9 premiere of American Idol

1. First of all, this is Simon Cowell's final season as a judge. He's a unique personality on the show and on television in general, and American Idol will be lacking without him. Fox will undoubtedly try to fill his shoes with another abrasive middle-aged man with a sharp tongue, but it will be a step down no matter what they do. He's irreplaceable.

2. Oh yeah, Paula Abdul's gone. I barely noticed. Now there's only one inarticulate babbler left behind the judges' table. Speaking of whom....

3. Randy Jackson manages to be rude even when complimenting someone. He usually sounds something like this: "Y'know, dawg, when you first came in, I looked at you and I was all like, I don't know if this is gonna be good, but you worked it out, dawg, you did a'ight." Also, someone needs to help Randy grasp onto the concept of numbers. This "one-hundred-and-ten-thousand-billion-kajillion-yes-you're-going-to-Hollywood" stuff is getting out of control.

4. The new judge, though she won't be joining the ranks until the Hollywood rounds, will be Ellen Degeneres. I love Ellen, and am excited to see what she brings to the table because she's witty and talented and often hilarious, but shouldn't they have gotten somebody from the music industry? Like, I don't know... Deborah Gibson, or one of the Bangles?

5. Kara DioGuardi is one foxy lady. And kinda scary.

6. Round 1 of the auditions took place in Boston. Do you think the show's music producer saw the irony of using California-band Augustana's 2006 single "Boston" as the episode's theme song? Or was he (or she) just like, "Hey, the song's called 'Boston'! Perfect!" Remember, these people are trying to get out of Boston and go to California. For my part, I think they should have gone with a certain native Boston band's 1976 classic "Foreplay/Long Time." Check out the lyrics:

It's been such a long time

I think I should be going

And time doesn't wait for me

It keeps on rolling

Sail on

On a distant highway

I've got to keep on chasing a dream

I've got to be on my way

Wish there was something I could say

(Or, you can listen to it in my playlist at the bottom of the page.)

It doesn't get any more theme-appropriate than that.

7. The guest judge for the Boston auditions was Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham. Again, why not secure a Bostonian? Donna Summer or James Taylor would have brought some clout to the proceedings. It would've been way cool to bring on Tommy DeCarlo, the current demo-and-a-dream singer for the band Boston. Or, get Boston native Conan O'Brien. I hear he may need the work.

Not that I'm complaining, really. I never noticed before tonight how strikingly, naturally beautiful Victoria Beckham is when she's not striking a pose and being all posh. She also brought a very welcome sense of decorum, which nicely complemented Scary Spice DioGuardi. And, boy, is she tiny!

8. Best performance of "Ring of Fire" ever! Johnny Cash has nothing on... whomever. (I'm being waggish, of course. It was awful.)

9. It's come to my attention that having those outstandingly awful contestants audition on television is tailor-made "reality TV" by the producers. Not that these are not actual, real eccentrics with big dreams and little talent. I'm sure they are very real and painfully actual. But every contestant has to go through a preliminary audition before ever reaching Simon and the others. Otherwise, those three or four "face" judges would have to sit through thousands of auditions, which would take much longer than the two days allotted. Which means that those prelim judges are obligated, maybe even contractually, to send through the worst of the worst so that prime-time TV can have its reality train-wrecks. This seems somewhat disingenuous to the contestants and manipulative of the audience... oh, right, Fox Reality. Of course, without such a process, the world would have gone on spinning in ignorance, forever deprived of William Hung and Bikini Girl.

10. I really am just a sucker for this show. But there is something about the shared experience of live television, and about event programming and even serialized drama in general, that appeals to me. It's the idea of being connected, however inconsequentially, with millions of other people around the country. It's one of the reasons I still prefer to watch Saturday Night Live when it's live, even though I know it will largely suck, to be in that moment with the rest of a vast audience. It's why I like to see a potential blockbuster film in a packed theater on opening night. Plus, as a bonus, when it comes to Idol--I just love having something so ripe for criticism before me. It's an outlet, and sometimes even a creative one. (And a much better outlet for my unbridled sarcasm than close friends and immediate family.)

Do these genes make me look gay?

Today I overheard a conversation between deli workers wherein someone postulated the possibility of homosexuality being hereditary. I believe the exact phrasing was, "It runs in his family."

Avatar

I feel like James Cameron saw FernGully in the early 90s and said, "I can do better."

What are Kapricious Thoughts?

I had a minor epiphany today, and I owe it to Bob Vila. My ambition is to blog more often, daily if possible, but it seems my ambition overreaches my ability to motivate myself. Then it hit me.

I had just ordered Chinese food at a little place called the Great Wall in a strip mall on Binghamton's Front Street. I stepped outside to call my friend. (Time waiting for Chinese is often my time to make a phone call.) As I was talking to my friend on my cell, I was pacing up and down the sidewalk. As I passed a store called Northgate Vacuum, which was closed but still had a few lights on inside, I turned to walk back in the other direction and was startled to see, through the glass, a man standing in the shadows with his arms crossed, watching me. Then I realized he wasn't moving. Then I realized he was two-dimensional. Then I realized he was made of cardboard. And then I realized he was Bob Vila. It is amazing how many realizations the human brain can make in less than a second.

Then I thought, this would be a funny thing to talk about on my blog, but how can I make a decent-sized article about being startled by a life-size cardboard Bob Vila? The answer was, I don't have to. I call this blog "Kapricious Thoughts." Capricious thoughts can be brief thoughts, random thoughts, non-sequitors. That is the nature of capriciousness.

So my new goal is to post at least one "Kapricious Thought" per day, provided I have the electronic capabilities. Most will be brief, simple, random. It would certainly take off the pressure to "craft" something when I have no direction. And then maybe my brief, simple, random thoughts will grow on their own. I love when writing takes on a life of its own. It reminds me why I like doing it, because sometimes I surprise myself.

Anyway, there's today's Kapricious Thought: While waiting for my Chinese food, I was startled by a life-size cardboard cutout of Bob Vila.

Pop Culture Archaeology

The latest from Rick Warren's purpose-driven marketing empire.

Dante's Prayer

Okay, I haven't posted anything in almost a month. This is unacceptable. I guess I've hit a bit of dry spell, creatively. I don't like posting something that just tells people about what kind of day it's been. "Woke up late today. Ate some cereal. Went out, looked at some clothes but didn't buy anything. Went home and watched Cold Case Files with some linguini and a beer. Today was more exciting than most. I almost drove past my own driveway! God, I'm so lonely." Yeah, that'll up the readership.

So, sometimes, I look for inspiration... in stupid email surveys. I know, you're probably thinking, Boooooooring. And I usually agree. Nobody cares to read your one-word answers about what your favorite color is or what the name of your kindergarten teacher was.

Incidentally, my kindergarten teacher's name was Bjornstad. Try dropping that on a five-year-old who can barely read. Of course, I was already reading polysyllabic words by the time I started kindergarten, and had been living my whole life with a Slavic surname nobody in America could spell or pronounce properly, even though it's only four letters long and phonetic--so I was ahead of the curve. Still, that Scandinavian "j" gave my brain a workout. (If you think the entire purpose of this parenthetical paragraph was to subtly brag about how well I've always been able to read, you're probably right.)

If you do think Internet "get to know your friends better" surveys are boring, then you've obviously never read one of mine. I make these things FUN, with both all-caps and italics, baby. Besides, this one is inherently fun. Here are the rules:

1. Put your iTunes or other music player on shuffle.

2. For each question, press the "next" button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

4. Put your own comment after song.

And here is a caveat of my own: I will skip a track if it's entitled, for example, "Piano Concerto in G major," because that would just be ridiculous. Sorry, Mozart, you're gonna have to sit this one out. I'll most likely skip tracks from orchestral scores and the like as well. When you're done reading mine, go ahead, have fun, do it yourself. Post it as a comment, even--if Blogger allows such massive comments. Okay, here we go:

1. If someone says "Is this okay?" you say:

"Look What You've Done" (by Jet)

No. It's not okay. Go sit in the corner.

2. What would best describe your personality?

"The Very Old Man" (by Hum)

Oh, come on! Look, I know how write a blog! My grandpa doesn't even know how to plug in a computer. In fact, he brags about it.

3. What do you like in a girl/guy?

"More to This" (by Third Day)

Interesting. Ah, the sexiness of mystique. (Unless this just means that I'm a kindred spirit to Sir Mix-a-Lot.)

4. How do you feel today?

"Lover, You Should've Come Over" (by Jeff Buckley)

"Tonight, you're on my mind... Broken down and hungry for your love, with no way to feed it...." Hm. The tone fits better than the title, I think.

5. What is your life's purpose?

"In Your Time" (by Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band)

My life's purpose is to slowly figure out my life's purpose? In the words of Keanu Reeves, "Whoa."

6. What is your motto?

"You Are the Girl" (by The Cars)

I feel like this survey is designed to make me feel like a character from a Cameron Crowe film.

7. What do your friends think of you?

"You Love Me" (by Jars of Clay)

Yeah you do.

8. What do you think of your parents?

"The Gathering" (by Caedmon's Call, Dan Haseltine, Bebo Norman & Sara Groves)

Sort of puts me in mind of Thanksgiving. Okay, it'll get more entertaining from here. I promise.

9. What do you think about very often?

"Million Miles" (by Bob Dylan)

I like traveling, traveling's my favorite.

10. What is 2 + 2?

"So This Is Love" (from Cinderella)

2 + 2 = Love. Wow, I never realized how simple it was. (Yes, I have classic Disney on my iTunes. Lots of it.)

11. What do you think of your best friend?

"Sunny Came Home" (by Shawn Colvin)

I don't know anyone named Sunny. And I don't know what my friends think about transcendence.

12. What do you think of the person you like?

"Whatsername" (by Green Day)

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! so lonely.

13. What do your parents think of you?

"Coming Down" (by Skillet)

From upstairs? From upstate? From my high horse? With a cold?

14. What will you dance to at your wedding?

"The Dream" (by The Moody Blues)

"Live hand in hand, and together we'll stand, on the threshold of a dream." (Apparently it's going to be interpretive dance.)

15. What will they play at your funeral?

"Surely God Is With Us" (by Rich Mullins)

Great song. Great sentiment for a funeral.

16. What is your hobby/interest?

"Secret Kingdom" (by Newsboys)

Makes me sound vaguely geeky. Especially with lines like, "Gonna send us hobbits out of the Shire."

17. What is your biggest secret?

"Moondance" (by Van Morrison)

My secret's out. I dance in the moonlight. With fairies. To a jazz flute.

18. What do you think of your friends?

"Jesus Doesn't Care" (by Point of Grace)

He doesn't care about my friends? He doesn't care if I have friends? He doesn't care what I think of my friends? Or do I think Jesus doesn't care about my friends? Based on the title alone, there is no good answer. Based on the content of the song, actually, it's a pretty humble worldview.

19. What's the worst thing that could happen?

"Belong" (by R.E.M.)

Okay, the first line of the song is, "The world collapsed on a Sunday morning...."

20. How will you die?

"Amie" (by Pure Prairie League)

Now I just have to steer clear of anyone named Amie.

21. Does anyone like you?

"Everyday" (by The Moody Blues)

"Love will come, as it does to everyone, though I know it won't be too easy...."

22. If you could go back in time, what would you change?

"All Because of Jesus" (by Casting Crowns)

"It's all because of Jesus I'm alive." Maybe I'd go back and be more obedient.

23. What hurts right now?

"Hallelujah" (by The O.C. Supertones)

Even happiness hurts.

24. What rule do you always follow?

"Comatose (In the Arms of Slumber)" (by Eagle Eye Cherry)

When in doubt, pretend to be asleep.

25. What have teachers always thought of you?

"The Old Apartment" (by Barenaked Ladies)

I got nothing.

26. What's something you do everyday?

"O Come and Mourn with Me Awhile" (by Jars of Clay)

Well, not every day.

27. What will you post this as?

"Dante's Prayer" (by Loreena McKennitt)

Okay, well, some answers are funnier than others, some answers are more profound than others. I actually filled out this same survey last year. I just re-read it. Some of the answers are pretty good. I must have been on some good antihistamines at the time. Here are my answers from last year, in case you don't have anything better to be doing with your time:

1. If someone says "Is this okay?" you say:

"Idumea" (by the Sacred Harp Singers at Liberty Church)

Yes, when someone asks me, "Is this okay?" my reply is the Latin name for the descendants of Esau.

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2. What would best describe your personality?

"Sing a Song" (by Third Day)

This is actually pretty accurate. I identify almost everything with music.

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3. What do you like in a girl/guy?

"Daring Daylight Escape" (by Caedmon's Call)

Uh... I like her to be... to be able to get away quickly? Golly, what were we up to?

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4. How do you feel today?

"Feel" (by Matchbox Twenty)

No joke, this is the song that came on next. And the chorus asks, “how does it feel?” I guess, I just feel.

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5. What is your life's purpose?

"Whisper My Name" (by Jennifer Knapp)

My life's purpose is to make everyone whisper my name. Do it. Do it now.

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6. What is your motto?

"Monosynth" (by Joy Electric)

This is what I tell myself in the mirror every day. I look myself in the eye, and I say, "Monosynth."

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7. What do your friends think of you?

"Keep the Customer Satisfied" (by Simon & Garfunkel)

You know it, baby.

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8. What do you think of your parents?

"Surfin' Safari" (by the Beach Boys)

I think I want to take them on a surfin' safari.

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9. What do you think about very often?

"I Am" (by Ginny Owens)

I think. Therefore....

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10. What is 2 + 2?

"Don't Wake Me" (by the Black Crowes)

Especially not to ask me such a silly question.

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11. What do you think of your best friend?

"Tell Him" (by Lauryn Hill)

what? What? Tell him WHAT?!

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12. What do you think of the person you like?

"The Only One" (by Bill & Billy Kapr)

oh my. If this is not a sign....

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13. What do your parents think of you?

"Flight from Peru" (by John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra)

I was in Peru? Is there a dark side to my past that I don't know about? More importantly, do my parents know Indiana Jones?

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14. What will you dance to at your wedding?

"Desperado" (by the Eagles)

Ah, yes... a song written to a loner who won't let anyone love him.

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15. What will they play at your funeral?

oh geez... "Jedi Rocks" (by John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra)

This is that annoying "Special Edition" performance by a couple of creepy CGI aliens that George Lucas felt was the missing ingredient to his original version of Return of the Jedi. Thanks, George. The movie sucked before, but now it ROCKS! (ugh... just kill me now and get it over with.)

(Now you're wondering, "If he hates it so much, why is it in his iTunes?" Because it was on the soundtrack, that's why! I just haven't gotten around to deleting it yet.)

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16. What is your hobby/interest?

"Don't Think of Me" (by Dido)

My hobbies and interests include not thinking of myself and hoping you won't either.

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17. What is your biggest secret?

"Jeremy" (by Pearl Jam)

Well... there goes my reputation as a heterosexual.

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18. What do you think of your friends?

"Don't Be Afraid" (by Avalon)

You can do it, Tom. They're only people. People, just like you. Just imagine them in their underwear.

(Now everyone knows I listen to Avalon....)

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19. What's the worst thing that could happen?

"She Walks with Me" (by Michael W. Smith)

Welcome to Part II of my new series, "Is This a Sign?"

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20. How will you die?

"Stuck in the Middle" (by Stealers Wheel)

I'm fairly terrified right now that my death is going to involve clowns.

Oh, and according to the song, you'll be there too, so, enjoy being stuck with the clowns and dead me.

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21. Does anyone like you?

"Somebody to Love" (by Jefferson Airplane)

Yes, I want somebody to love. Yes, I need somebody to love. Yes, I'd love somebody to love. I'd better find somebody to love.

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22. If you could go back in time, what would you change?

"Last Great American" (by Five for Fighting)

Now I just need to figure out who the last great American was… or does this mean the last one to be alive on earth? If that’s the case, I’d need to go into the future. So… in order to go into the future I have to go back in time? I have to go… back to the future! Whoa. I just blew my own mind.

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23. What hurts right now?

"Can't Help Falling in Love" (by Elvis Presley)



would it be a sin...?

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24. What rule do you always follow?

"Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" (by Jim Croce)

The baddest man in the whole damn town don’t follow no rules.

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25. What have teachers always thought of you?

"Come As You Are" (by Nirvana)

Come as you are. Stay as you were. Leave as we want you to be.

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26. What's something you do everyday?

"Tomorrow Man" (by Gus)

Wait… every day IS tomorrow! Whoa… just blew my own mind again. I don’t know how much more of this I can handle.

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27. What will you post this as?

"Shine on Us"

Phew!… now to let my brain recover.