Dante's Prayer

Okay, I haven't posted anything in almost a month. This is unacceptable. I guess I've hit a bit of dry spell, creatively. I don't like posting something that just tells people about what kind of day it's been. "Woke up late today. Ate some cereal. Went out, looked at some clothes but didn't buy anything. Went home and watched Cold Case Files with some linguini and a beer. Today was more exciting than most. I almost drove past my own driveway! God, I'm so lonely." Yeah, that'll up the readership.

So, sometimes, I look for inspiration... in stupid email surveys. I know, you're probably thinking, Boooooooring. And I usually agree. Nobody cares to read your one-word answers about what your favorite color is or what the name of your kindergarten teacher was.

Incidentally, my kindergarten teacher's name was Bjornstad. Try dropping that on a five-year-old who can barely read. Of course, I was already reading polysyllabic words by the time I started kindergarten, and had been living my whole life with a Slavic surname nobody in America could spell or pronounce properly, even though it's only four letters long and phonetic--so I was ahead of the curve. Still, that Scandinavian "j" gave my brain a workout. (If you think the entire purpose of this parenthetical paragraph was to subtly brag about how well I've always been able to read, you're probably right.)

If you do think Internet "get to know your friends better" surveys are boring, then you've obviously never read one of mine. I make these things FUN, with both all-caps and italics, baby. Besides, this one is inherently fun. Here are the rules:

1. Put your iTunes or other music player on shuffle.

2. For each question, press the "next" button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

4. Put your own comment after song.

And here is a caveat of my own: I will skip a track if it's entitled, for example, "Piano Concerto in G major," because that would just be ridiculous. Sorry, Mozart, you're gonna have to sit this one out. I'll most likely skip tracks from orchestral scores and the like as well. When you're done reading mine, go ahead, have fun, do it yourself. Post it as a comment, even--if Blogger allows such massive comments. Okay, here we go:

1. If someone says "Is this okay?" you say:

"Look What You've Done" (by Jet)

No. It's not okay. Go sit in the corner.

2. What would best describe your personality?

"The Very Old Man" (by Hum)

Oh, come on! Look, I know how write a blog! My grandpa doesn't even know how to plug in a computer. In fact, he brags about it.

3. What do you like in a girl/guy?

"More to This" (by Third Day)

Interesting. Ah, the sexiness of mystique. (Unless this just means that I'm a kindred spirit to Sir Mix-a-Lot.)

4. How do you feel today?

"Lover, You Should've Come Over" (by Jeff Buckley)

"Tonight, you're on my mind... Broken down and hungry for your love, with no way to feed it...." Hm. The tone fits better than the title, I think.

5. What is your life's purpose?

"In Your Time" (by Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band)

My life's purpose is to slowly figure out my life's purpose? In the words of Keanu Reeves, "Whoa."

6. What is your motto?

"You Are the Girl" (by The Cars)

I feel like this survey is designed to make me feel like a character from a Cameron Crowe film.

7. What do your friends think of you?

"You Love Me" (by Jars of Clay)

Yeah you do.

8. What do you think of your parents?

"The Gathering" (by Caedmon's Call, Dan Haseltine, Bebo Norman & Sara Groves)

Sort of puts me in mind of Thanksgiving. Okay, it'll get more entertaining from here. I promise.

9. What do you think about very often?

"Million Miles" (by Bob Dylan)

I like traveling, traveling's my favorite.

10. What is 2 + 2?

"So This Is Love" (from Cinderella)

2 + 2 = Love. Wow, I never realized how simple it was. (Yes, I have classic Disney on my iTunes. Lots of it.)

11. What do you think of your best friend?

"Sunny Came Home" (by Shawn Colvin)

I don't know anyone named Sunny. And I don't know what my friends think about transcendence.

12. What do you think of the person you like?

"Whatsername" (by Green Day)

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! so lonely.

13. What do your parents think of you?

"Coming Down" (by Skillet)

From upstairs? From upstate? From my high horse? With a cold?

14. What will you dance to at your wedding?

"The Dream" (by The Moody Blues)

"Live hand in hand, and together we'll stand, on the threshold of a dream." (Apparently it's going to be interpretive dance.)

15. What will they play at your funeral?

"Surely God Is With Us" (by Rich Mullins)

Great song. Great sentiment for a funeral.

16. What is your hobby/interest?

"Secret Kingdom" (by Newsboys)

Makes me sound vaguely geeky. Especially with lines like, "Gonna send us hobbits out of the Shire."

17. What is your biggest secret?

"Moondance" (by Van Morrison)

My secret's out. I dance in the moonlight. With fairies. To a jazz flute.

18. What do you think of your friends?

"Jesus Doesn't Care" (by Point of Grace)

He doesn't care about my friends? He doesn't care if I have friends? He doesn't care what I think of my friends? Or do I think Jesus doesn't care about my friends? Based on the title alone, there is no good answer. Based on the content of the song, actually, it's a pretty humble worldview.

19. What's the worst thing that could happen?

"Belong" (by R.E.M.)

Okay, the first line of the song is, "The world collapsed on a Sunday morning...."

20. How will you die?

"Amie" (by Pure Prairie League)

Now I just have to steer clear of anyone named Amie.

21. Does anyone like you?

"Everyday" (by The Moody Blues)

"Love will come, as it does to everyone, though I know it won't be too easy...."

22. If you could go back in time, what would you change?

"All Because of Jesus" (by Casting Crowns)

"It's all because of Jesus I'm alive." Maybe I'd go back and be more obedient.

23. What hurts right now?

"Hallelujah" (by The O.C. Supertones)

Even happiness hurts.

24. What rule do you always follow?

"Comatose (In the Arms of Slumber)" (by Eagle Eye Cherry)

When in doubt, pretend to be asleep.

25. What have teachers always thought of you?

"The Old Apartment" (by Barenaked Ladies)

I got nothing.

26. What's something you do everyday?

"O Come and Mourn with Me Awhile" (by Jars of Clay)

Well, not every day.

27. What will you post this as?

"Dante's Prayer" (by Loreena McKennitt)

Okay, well, some answers are funnier than others, some answers are more profound than others. I actually filled out this same survey last year. I just re-read it. Some of the answers are pretty good. I must have been on some good antihistamines at the time. Here are my answers from last year, in case you don't have anything better to be doing with your time:

1. If someone says "Is this okay?" you say:

"Idumea" (by the Sacred Harp Singers at Liberty Church)

Yes, when someone asks me, "Is this okay?" my reply is the Latin name for the descendants of Esau.

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2. What would best describe your personality?

"Sing a Song" (by Third Day)

This is actually pretty accurate. I identify almost everything with music.

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3. What do you like in a girl/guy?

"Daring Daylight Escape" (by Caedmon's Call)

Uh... I like her to be... to be able to get away quickly? Golly, what were we up to?

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4. How do you feel today?

"Feel" (by Matchbox Twenty)

No joke, this is the song that came on next. And the chorus asks, “how does it feel?” I guess, I just feel.

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5. What is your life's purpose?

"Whisper My Name" (by Jennifer Knapp)

My life's purpose is to make everyone whisper my name. Do it. Do it now.

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6. What is your motto?

"Monosynth" (by Joy Electric)

This is what I tell myself in the mirror every day. I look myself in the eye, and I say, "Monosynth."

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7. What do your friends think of you?

"Keep the Customer Satisfied" (by Simon & Garfunkel)

You know it, baby.

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8. What do you think of your parents?

"Surfin' Safari" (by the Beach Boys)

I think I want to take them on a surfin' safari.

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9. What do you think about very often?

"I Am" (by Ginny Owens)

I think. Therefore....

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10. What is 2 + 2?

"Don't Wake Me" (by the Black Crowes)

Especially not to ask me such a silly question.

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11. What do you think of your best friend?

"Tell Him" (by Lauryn Hill)

what? What? Tell him WHAT?!

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12. What do you think of the person you like?

"The Only One" (by Bill & Billy Kapr)

oh my. If this is not a sign....

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13. What do your parents think of you?

"Flight from Peru" (by John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra)

I was in Peru? Is there a dark side to my past that I don't know about? More importantly, do my parents know Indiana Jones?

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14. What will you dance to at your wedding?

"Desperado" (by the Eagles)

Ah, yes... a song written to a loner who won't let anyone love him.

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15. What will they play at your funeral?

oh geez... "Jedi Rocks" (by John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra)

This is that annoying "Special Edition" performance by a couple of creepy CGI aliens that George Lucas felt was the missing ingredient to his original version of Return of the Jedi. Thanks, George. The movie sucked before, but now it ROCKS! (ugh... just kill me now and get it over with.)

(Now you're wondering, "If he hates it so much, why is it in his iTunes?" Because it was on the soundtrack, that's why! I just haven't gotten around to deleting it yet.)

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16. What is your hobby/interest?

"Don't Think of Me" (by Dido)

My hobbies and interests include not thinking of myself and hoping you won't either.

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17. What is your biggest secret?

"Jeremy" (by Pearl Jam)

Well... there goes my reputation as a heterosexual.

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18. What do you think of your friends?

"Don't Be Afraid" (by Avalon)

You can do it, Tom. They're only people. People, just like you. Just imagine them in their underwear.

(Now everyone knows I listen to Avalon....)

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19. What's the worst thing that could happen?

"She Walks with Me" (by Michael W. Smith)

Welcome to Part II of my new series, "Is This a Sign?"

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20. How will you die?

"Stuck in the Middle" (by Stealers Wheel)

I'm fairly terrified right now that my death is going to involve clowns.

Oh, and according to the song, you'll be there too, so, enjoy being stuck with the clowns and dead me.

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21. Does anyone like you?

"Somebody to Love" (by Jefferson Airplane)

Yes, I want somebody to love. Yes, I need somebody to love. Yes, I'd love somebody to love. I'd better find somebody to love.

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22. If you could go back in time, what would you change?

"Last Great American" (by Five for Fighting)

Now I just need to figure out who the last great American was… or does this mean the last one to be alive on earth? If that’s the case, I’d need to go into the future. So… in order to go into the future I have to go back in time? I have to go… back to the future! Whoa. I just blew my own mind.

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23. What hurts right now?

"Can't Help Falling in Love" (by Elvis Presley)



would it be a sin...?

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24. What rule do you always follow?

"Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" (by Jim Croce)

The baddest man in the whole damn town don’t follow no rules.

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25. What have teachers always thought of you?

"Come As You Are" (by Nirvana)

Come as you are. Stay as you were. Leave as we want you to be.

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26. What's something you do everyday?

"Tomorrow Man" (by Gus)

Wait… every day IS tomorrow! Whoa… just blew my own mind again. I don’t know how much more of this I can handle.

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27. What will you post this as?

"Shine on Us"

Phew!… now to let my brain recover.

You may want to see a doctor about that....

Last night, during the football game between the New York Giants (who sadly lost) and the San Diego Chargers, CBS aired a commercial in which an middle-aged-to-old man is walking down the sidewalk next to a building with large glass windows. His reflection starts asking him questions about whether or not he talked to his doctor. The man is justifiably startled by this and tries to get away by turning the corner.

There are large windows on this side too, however, so his reflection easily catches up to him and continues asking him about--are you ready?--his erectile dysfunction. We, the viewers, then discover that the man is trying to keep the conversation hush-hush, not because his reflection is trying to talk to him on a busy street in broad daylight, but because of WHAT his reflection is trying to talk to him about.

When I realized what was going on in this ad, I asked my friend, "Are we really watching an ad in which a man is having a conversation with his reflection about erectile dysfunction?" My friend concurred that we were.

Listen, Mister, if you're walking down the street in the middle of the day and start having a conversation about your penis with your reflection in a window, your problems may go a little deeper than erectile dysfunction.

And yeah I really do think....

I find it frustrating that a pop singer who's been around for about a decade and a half figures prominently in 90% of the conversation about a word that has been part of the English language for 500 years, the proper usage of which she never understood in the first place. It's just so... oh, what's the word I'm looking for...?

Related links:

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/irony

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/alanismorissette/ironic.html

The Creator

(Inspired during a Sunday school class on the evils of a non-literal interpretation of Genesis. Original date of writing: Sunday, February 11, 2007.)

The God I worship, the God who created the universe, the God who sustains the universe--that God, my God, is powerful enough to speak the Grand Canyon into existence, to create that wonder of the natural world by simply whispering Be; and that same God, my God, is powerful enough to lovingly, meticulously sculpt the Grand Canyon out of the desert rock over billions of hours in the workshop.

For my God, the Omnipotent God who stands outside of time and space, who sees all of time and space in a pin-prick in His palm, who made time and space by the creative work of His word and His hand--for that God, my God, the instant of His thought and those millennia of craft and art are the same.

Why then do we still attempt to contain that timeless God in a 6,000-year-square box?

Pay It Forward?

A young guy approached me on my way into Wendy's. He was no older than me. He asked me if I could spare a couple bucks for a sandwich.

"A sandwich here?" I asked, pointing to Wendy's. He said yes. I told him to come with me, that I'd buy him something. He wanted a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger.

"Is that it?" I asked. "Don't you want anything else? Something to drink?"

"No," he said, "I'll get some water." Then he added, "Maybe a dollar five-piece?"

"Five-piece chicken nuggets?" I asked. He said yes. "No problem. Actually, I think I'll get the same thing."

I ordered two Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers and two orders of the five-piece chicken nuggets.

"Is this to stay or to go?" asked the girl at the register.

I looked over my shoulder at the guy. "To go?" He said yes. "To go," I said, noticing the girl's strange expression.

"What kind of sauce would you like with your chicken nuggets?" she asked.

Before I could answer, the guy came up next to me and said quickly, "Sweet and sour." At least the guy knows his sauces.

"Okay," I nodded. "Sweet and sour."

Again, the girl's strange expression. "Is this... together?"

"Yes," I said, "it's together."

I paid. She went to get the order. When she came back, I clarified, "Separate bags."

"One of each in each?" she asked.

"Yes," I said. She gave us our bags.

"Could I have a cup for water?" the young guy asked. She gave him a cup of water. With ice.

"Thanks a lot, man," he said to me when the transaction was done.

"It's no problem," I said. Then, as I gathered my bag to leave, I thought to myself, I hope you pay it forward.

I then went out to my car to eat, where my fifty-cent Pepsi refill from the discount theater was waiting for me. Yes, I had planned this ahead. I'm trying not to spend too much, which is why I eat at places like Wendy's when I'm out. (I also love movies, which is why I'd been to the discount theater. I could go on justifying myself all day.)

As I was pulling out of the Wendy's parking lot, I almost ran over the same guy as he was leaving the restaurant. I waved at him, but he didn't seem to notice me, even looking right at me. I then realized this was because he was too busy trying to get away with the jacket he'd stolen.

I hadn't immediately noticed the jacket--it was pink and sort of puffy--not until an older woman and a younger female employee came after him. I couldn't hear anything, but I could see him trying to play it off like he'd found the jacket lying on the floor. Older woman wasn't buying it, so he sheepishly gave back the jacket and then took off down the street.

I drove away feeling a mixture of amusement, disappointment, and pity, my appetite temporarily sated, my skin-and-bones résumés sitting on the passenger seat.

I hope that guy's warm enough.

Monday Morning Tirade

We all know that there is something terribly wrong with radio DJs. And I hope most of us realize that roughly 73% of the music they play is utter tripe. (If you had a private giggle over the phrase "utter tripe" because you get the pun, give yourself a cookie--with milk, of course.)

However, last night I heard a DJ do something so mind-bogglingly stupid that I must share. If I keep it to myself, I'm afraid my cerebrum may implode. He was talking about the song he was about to play--U2's "Where the Streets Have No Name," one of the best songs ever recorded and the opening track from their heavenly 1987 Joshua Tree album. He played a segment of an interview with the band's lead guitarist and keyboardist, The Edge (so named, it seems, because of his face).

It was an interesting behind-the-scenes tidbit about Mr. Edge's intentionally simplistic guitar stylings and how it lent itself to the overall sound of U2's music in general and to "Streets" in particular. I'm so glad I was able to catch it while channel surfing on my long drive between Philadelphia and Akron, Ohio, because it gave me a new appreciation of a classic.

Now you're asking, if I enjoyed the interview so much, why am I complaining?

The DJ played the interview over the song's entire musical intro. It's bad enough when these guys talk over a great song's intro. But to run an interview about the music over the music so that the listener is then unable to properly appreciate the song or the newfound perspective on the song--that takes either an astounding amount of thoughtlessness (even for a disc jockey) or a disturbing amount of sinister glee (even for a disc jockey).

This has to be one of the biggest professional discrepancies on the planet: the people in charge of airing the music have neither the proper appreciation nor the proper respect for it.

On a related note, another station later played the long version of the Fugees' 1996 cover of Roberta Flack's "Killing Me Softly"--which is to say, the obnoxious version of an otherwise great hip-hop cover--followed by the radio edit of Sheryl Crow's "Soak Up the Sun," which, missing a full minute-and-a-half, robs it of much of its rhetorical context and makes it the most ludicrously truncated song this side of "Lightning Crashes."

But who really wants to spend a whole five minutes listening to a good song when you can hear 80% of it in four-fifths of the time? It gives your playlist more room for your Beyoncés and your T-Pains and your Katy Perrys, and without them we might have no idea what sub-par songwriting sounds like.