Can anything good come out of February? (Part II)

2/13

Confessions of a Shopaholic

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1093908/

Director P.J. Hogan gave us the enjoyable My Best Friend's Wedding back in 1997. Isla Fisher is a beautiful actress who has proven, especially with her deranged performance in 2005's Wedding Crashers, that she is a comedic force to be reckoned with. Together, they will probably deliver an enjoyable piece of fluff, albeit one high on cliché.


The International

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0963178/

At first glance, this looks like just another paranoid thriller starring the overexposed Clive Owen. However, the man behind it all is none other than Tom Tykwer, the German director who gave us such unique films as the fate-entangling Winter Sleepers, the bizarre romance The Princess and the Warrior, and most notably, the kinetic thriller Run Lola Run. Thus, this one is high on my must-see list for the year.


Friday the 13th

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0758746/

Director Marcus Nispel was behind the 2003 remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which I highly recommend you never see. This is a remake of the unpleasant and not particularly good original Friday the 13th of 1980. I’m thinking there’s a lot more girl-killing here, which always makes for great entertainment. Like Mike Neslon, host of “Mystery Science Theater 3000,” once said, “You think a lot of guys who make movies have issues with women?”


Two Lovers

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1103275/

This is writer/director James Gray’s third film with the endlessly interesting Joaquin Phoenix. I have not yet seen last year’s We Own the Night, but 2000’s The Yards was a well-crafted if not particularly memorable film. Two Lovers is in limited release.


Gomorra

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0929425/

I’ve been hearing great things about this Italian crime epic; alas, I shall have to await the DVD release, as it appears to be showing only in New York and L.A.

Walt Disney Cops a Feel

I am not in the habit of besmirching someone's name, but occasionally I feel inclined to make snarky comments about something I see in a video. Click on the following link and pay attention around the four-minute mark:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99OMrsEag0A

Personally, I think I would go for the belly or the waist in such circumstances, but then again I've never had to try to keep a lady from falling face-first off a dock. Still, could there be a more awkward way to steady a tipsy woman?

I'd love to be privy to the conversation that took place when all the cameras and microphones were gone. Maybe it would sound like a scene from Raging Bull. "Did you feel my wife? Did you feel my wife?"

By the way, where were my mermaids? I remember when I was little and went on the 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea ride thinking that I really was in the deep, so I can only imagine how thrilled I would have been if I had seen mermaids! Would've been way better than animatronic squids.

I wonder how many youngsters hit early puberty on Disney's Nautilus. Submerge a boy, surface a man.

And I love how things in this old film devolve from "we can use this new submersible technology to learn and explore and bring peace and progress as humanity" to four straight minutes of scantily clad women with fin attachments doing water ballet.

Can anything good come out of February? (Part I)

This is the time of year when a whole lot of cinematic crap is excreted from the recta of the major film studios. But there might be a gem or two in there. (Wow, that sounds like it could be a bit painful, huh?)

I'm going to take a look ahead at what's coming to theaters this month and offer my thoughts on each one. And for those of you who find interest in such things, I referenced the New Testament in my title. Whoever tells me what book, chapter, and verse first gets a cookie! Two cookies if you can tell me the name of the person credited with uttering the original quote, which was possibly the best joke ever made about Jesus Christ, at least until the Chitty Chitty Death Bang episode of "Family Guy." (http://www.imdb.com/video/hulu/vi3023962137/)

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2/6

The Pink Panther 2

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0838232/

Remember when Steve Martin was funny? You might have to think back awhile. Did Planes, Trains & Automobiles really come out more than a decade ago? I'll give a few points to any movie for featuring the adorable Emily Mortimer (watch Disney's The Kid), but overall my thoughts on this franchise can be summed up thusly: Rest in peace, Peter Sellers. If you can.


Push

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0465580/

Call me a cynic, but this looks like another lame Matrix rip-off (which some claim to be itself a Dark City rip-off). The marketing for this one includes some of the lamest TV spots I've ever seen. Marketers used to reserve quotes attributable to no one for the back of the video. Now they're using them on television ads.


He's Just Not That Into You

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1001508/

I must admit to enjoying the trailer for this film--the first time I saw it. It actually gave me a new perspective on the male-female romantic relationship. Now I've seen the TV ad about a hundred times, and I just can't wait for this to come and go. On its own merits, it appears to boast a decent cast with some good lines, but also some tired cliches. However, having never watched HBO's "Big Love," I have only just discovered Ginnifer Goodwin and would probably watch this movie just for her.


Fanboys

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0489049/

A group of Star Wars geeks go to Skywalker Ranch to steal a copy of The Phantom Menace for their dying friend because he might not live to see its release? Curses that this movie is not showing in my area! Curses! (Yes, I'm a Star Wars geek.)


Coraline

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0327597/

This is it, people. This is the most exciting movie coming out this month. This is the one I'd put my money on to be not only the best movie of the month, but one of the best of the year. Director Henry Selick is one of the three brilliant minds responsible for giving us the milestone classic The Nightmare Before Christmas (along with creator/producer Tim Burton and composer Danny Elfman). Coraline looks to be just as fantastic and creepy and beautiful. If you get to the theater once this month, this is the one I suggest seeing.

Tuesday Morning's Stream of Consciousness

I like Coldplay, so long as I don't have to actually see them. I wouldn't make a very good Gwyneth Paltrow. But if I were Gwyneth Paltrow, I certainly wouldn't name my child "Apple." Maybe "Peach" or "Kiwi," but not "Apple." 

I do love apple pie. I used to be more of a cake man, but I've recently discovered the virtues of apple pie. With cinnamon. Cake is fluffy. Pie is filling. 

Pi was a really good movie. Darren Aronofsky is one of the most interesting directors to come out of the 90s. I haven't seen The Wrestler yet, but I want to, and I must say that I was surprised to learn Aronofsky directed it, because it seems like such a straightforward thing for him to take on. Surprisingly, any line of thought seems to take me into the movies. 

Mickey Rourke, star of The Wrestler, used to do cocaine. A lot of it. He's past it now and making a comeback with The Wrestler. At the Golden Globes on Sunday night, presenter Seth Rogen, whom you might know from every other comedy to have come out in the past year and a half, made a joke about doing cocaine with him. I like to imagine Mickey went over and sat down next to Seth at his table later that night and stared at him for awhile before saying something like, "I know you think you're a funny kid, but that was a bad @*&$-ing joke." You have to imagine the language being a little colorful, this being Mickey Rourke. And I like to imagine Seth Rogen made a face similar to the one in The Pineapple Express when he witnesses a brutal murder while getting high. 

Speaking of which, I just discovered you can't say "getting high" in a music video on VH1, even, apparently, in a song that's pretty much about being high on life. The song is "Roll On" by Kid Rock, who put out a crackin' good rock record last year, if you take out a couple ridiculously obscene songs. "Amen" is one of the best songs of the year.

I found out in the same video that you apparently can't say "bitch," which surprised me, because everybody on TV says "bitch" every other word nowadays, especially on cable. Guys call women "bitches" all the time on TV, and guys call other guys "sons of bitches," simultaneously pissing each other off and unforgivably bringing each other's mommas into it. But you can't, apparently, use "bitch" as another word for "complain." As a way to demean women, yes, it's perfectly acceptable. But you can't good-naturedly say, "I don't bitch."

And that is officially the most times I've ever used the word "bitch" in a paragraph, up from my previous record of zero.

30 Tidbits of Kapricious Trivia

This actually started as a chain email in which I was supposed to write a list of 25 things that the people who know me may or may not know about me. I upped it to 30, possibly out of egotism, and then decided to post it here on my blog, also possibly out of egotism. I was going to say it might be out of narcissism, but then I learned that "narcissism" has a sexual connotation.

Here are 30 tidbits of trivia about me:

1.  I once chased a sheep through the woods with a lasso.

2.  I once touched an electric cow fence with a pair of metal pocket knife scissors while trying to cut my brother free of some barbed wire. I woke up on my back ten feet away.

3.  I was due to be born on Christmas Eve, 1981, but was delivered by cesarean section on January 6, 1982.

4.  My friend and I were once chased down the interstate by a man in a semi.

5.  I've been bitten by dogs, cats, birds, a snake, a turtle, and multiple kinds of rodents including a wild squirrel.

6.  Speaking of dog bites, I've been bitten in the hands and feet (too many times to keep track), once under the arm, and once directly in the face--the gum, lip, and nose.

7.  I have a few scars: one on my lower lip from a high chair accident when I was two, one on my hairline from splitting it open when I was seven, one under my left knee from flipping over on a high-speed ride down a cement chute at Action Park in New Jersey (that park is now closed due to too many safety infractions), one between my right thumb and forefinger from slipping on a wet garage floor and stabbing myself, one under my right arm from being bitten by my dog while I was sleeping, one on my right shoulder from being bitten by a squirrel, and one on my right hand from surgery for a broken knuckle during my senior year of high school. I'm sure there are more, but who can keep track of these things?

8.  I had cosmetic surgery on my ears when I was young--so I'm sure there is also some scarring there, but I can't really see back there too well.

9.  I've been in 37 of the 50 states, so far.  I grew up in New Jersey and New York.  I've lived/worked in New Jersey, New York, Ohio, and South Dakota. Altogether, I've traveled through Arizona, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Mexico (with at least one foot), North Carolina, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, and Wisconsin; and I've done more extensive traveling in California, Colorado, Florida, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Oregon, Pennsylvania, South Dakota, Tennessee, Washington, and Wyoming. 

(Just to brag: In 2005 alone, I traveled for business through Connecticut, Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, and Vermont; and, for pleasure, through New York, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska, Colorado, Utah, Nevada, California, Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, South Dakota, Minnesota, and back through Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New York.)

10.  I've also been out of the United States six times and have been in seven other countries: three times to Belize, once to Europe on a WWII history tour (England, France, Luxembourg, Belgium), once to Germany, and once to Canada when I was very young.

11.  I avoided an armed robbery when gunmen entered the Domino's Pizza where I was working about an hour after my shift ended.  This was a job in which delivery persons occasionally got beaten and mugged, but the most violent thing that happened to me was having my car pelted with rocks.

12.  I once took a really, really bad road into the Colorado mountains looking for a place to camp.  When the road abruptly ended and the rocks made it nearly impossible to turn around, I was seriously considering the possibility that I would have to have the car air-lifted. I made it out a couple of hours later. I camped in Rocky Mountain National Park instead.

13.  I have personally punched three different people in the face, on purpose anyway.

14.  I was once chewed out by my drunken landlord in front of a large crowd of people.  That was after I complained about being chewed up by the bedbugs living in the apartment he rented me.

15.  I've had work published in six different publications, so far, including being the movie critic for the Rockland County Times out of Nanuet, NY, for a period of about ten months.

16.  I love climbing trees.  I've only ever fallen twice.  The first time I was inches from being impaled on a sharp stick.  The second time I never hit the ground because my coat got caught on a sawed-off branch (which also almost eviscerated me).  The highest I ever climbed was probably in a tree in Belize, where I also climbed coconut trees and picked my own coconuts.

17.  I could probably choke you with my toes. But I won't because I like you. Those who have seen my naked feet will verify.

18.  Perhaps the worst thing I've ever done to fellow human being was ramming a plastic sword down my brother's throat (unintentionally).

19.  I've seen about 2000 movies.  My favorite is Raiders of the Lost Ark, though Casablanca is a close second.

20.  My all-time favorite band is the Moody Blues--mainly their 1967-1972 period in which they produced seven amazing albums: Days of Future Passed, In Search of the Lost Chord, On the Threshold of a Dream, To Our Children's Children's Children, A Question of Balance, Every Good Boy Deserves Favour, and Seventh Sojourn. I have seen them in concert four times.

21.  I was once on a rollercoaster that got stuck as an electrical storm was rolling in.

22.  I have personally had to bury a total of 12 of my pets: my hamster Snoopy, my other hamster Fuzz (I had a third named Hoppy that was put to sleep for a tumor), my guinea pigs Chloe and Pookie, my gerbils Harry and Tripod (who had three legs), my silky mouse Charlotte (who believe it or not was one of the best pets ever), my chinchilla Skippy, my cockatiel Duke (who was actually more my mom's, but I had to bury him on Christmas morning), a baby mouse I tried to nurse to health, my kitten Paw-Paw whom I found in the woods and tried to nurse back to health (and who died more or less in my hands), and last but not at all least my beloved dog Muffin, who was hit by a car (for the second time in her life) on Thanksgiving Eve 2006. I also buried a monitor lizard, but it was dead when I found it.

23.  I have sung solo in front of a large crowd of people twice in my life.

24.  I spent a week at the World Trade Center in 1998.  It's a strange thing to know that a hotel you stayed in was utterly destroyed in a terrorist attack.  It's a strange feeling to remember being on top of those towers.

25.  I've randomly crossed paths with Stephen Baldwin (a few times), Benicio Del Toro, Val Kilmer (I'm pretty sure), Rosie O'Donnell, Chris Rock, Donald Trump, and possibly Francis Ford Coppola.  (Not all at once, though.)

26.  I've been in three wedding parties and have served as the official videographer at two others. This coming June will mark my fourth wedding party and my third as best man.

27.  I will swear under oath to having witnessed ghostly, demonic, and angelic activity, and, on more than one occasion, multiple UFOs.

28.  I love Cocoa Pebbles cereal.

29.  I could probably spend a couple of hours quoting Mystery Science Theater 3000--I am that big of a geek (for the best TV show ever created!).

30.  I am allergic to sesame and on two occasions have had to be taken to the emergency room due to anaphylactic shock brought on by food allergies--once in my college town of Nyack, NY, and once on a trip about halfway to Ohio in a place called Jersey Shore, PA.

There you go. Now you know 30 potentially interesting things about me. Just in case it ever comes up on Jeopardy.

Adventures in English: The Urinal Note

I found the following hand-written note taped to the wall above the urinals at a New York State rest area:

"Please don't put tobacco pruduces in the irlnes!"

Forget tobacco. This is the kind of thing that makes me want to take up marijuana.

At least the "Please do not remove" note taped to the electric hand dryer had everything spelled correctly.

Rediscover Christmas

I first posted this entry during the Christmas season of 2004. I re-read it every year. I post it again this year in the hope that it will reinvigorate someone's--anyone's--interest in the original Christmas Story, or that some reader somewhere will see this "tired old story" from a new perspective as I did when I first put these passages together. Merry Christmas; or, in other words, rejoice in the communion we have with Christ as we celebrate that day when God in heaven became Immanuel--"God Is With Us."

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(Original introduction from December 21, 2004)

The Bible weaves an incredible story from Genesis to Revelation. It is amazing how every piece fits perfectly into the whole. I tried looking at the Christmas story from a different perspective this year, rather than simply reading straight through the first couple chapters of the Gospel of Luke like we evangelicals usually do. We recognize December 25 as the day we celebrate the birth of Jesus, but there is so much more to Christmas than is apparent on the surface.

I urge you to read straight through this post, as strange as its arrangement may look at first, then to get a Bible and read the verses again within the passages that encapsulate them. In so doing, I hope we can rediscover the profound significance of the Christmas story.

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“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.” (Luke 2:14)

You, Bethlehem Ephrathah, though you are small among the clans of Judah, out of you will come for me one who will be ruler over Israel, whose origins are from of old, from ancient times. (Micah 5:2)

The Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel. (Isaiah 7:14)

“Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus.” (Luke 1:30-31)

“Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.” (Matthew 1:20-21)

“Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.” (Luke 2:9-10)

All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: “The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel”–which means, “God with us.” (Matthew 1:22-23)

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. (John 1:14)

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned. (Isaiah 9:2)

“My eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared in the sight of all people, a light for revelation to the Gentiles and for glory to your people Israel.” (Luke 2:30-32)

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6)

“This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed.” (Luke 2:34-35)

“He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end.” (Luke 1:32-33)

Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David’s throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. (Isaiah 9:7)

“Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, because he has come and has redeemed his people. He has raised up a horn of salvation for us in the house of his servant David (as he said through his holy prophets of long ago), salvation from our enemies and from the hand of all who hate us–to show mercy to our fathers and to remember his holy covenant, the oath he swore to our father Abraham: to rescue us from the hand of our enemies, and to enable us to serve him without fear in holiness and righteousness before him all our days.” (Luke 1:67-75)

And the child grew and became strong; he was filled with wisdom, and the grace of God was upon him. (Luke 2:40)

Merry Christmas and may the grace of Christ be upon you this holiday season.