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Thursday, May 20, 2010

Hollywood News!

This just in! Tom Cruise dumps Katie Holmes for Nicolas Cage! A publicist for the pair informs us that it was when they "looked into each other's eyes and recognized the crazy" that they knew they were meant to be together. No word yet on what bizarre name they'll give their first child. (Our money is on "General L. Zod Hubbard"--whether it's a boy or a girl.)

In other news, mega-producer Jerry Bruckheimer hugs a bald man.


Monday, May 17, 2010

A true Hollywood story....

Director Kevin Reynolds sits beside the camera. "Okay everyone, quiet on the set! And, ac-"

"Hang on," Kevin Costner interrupts.

"What's the problem?" asks Reynolds.

"I'm not ready yet," replies Costner.

"But we've been prepping for four hours for this one scene of dia..."

"Okay. I'm ready. Action!" Costner shouts.

Reynolds looks at the ground dejectedly. "Action," he mutters to the cast inside his head, where Robin Hood is played by Daniel Day-Lewis.

Morgan Freeman is looking at Reynolds. He then looks over at Costner, who has his face bent toward the ground, his eyes closed tightly, obviously trying very hard to be English.

Freeman rolls his eyes, takes a deep breath, centers himself, and speaks: "Christian!"

"What?" says Christian Slater, standing just off-camera.

Everybody looks at Slater, who is focusing on Morgan Freeman, one eyebrow cocked, waiting. Freeman looks at Slater and nods subtly toward Costner, who still has his eyes closed. Slater cocks an eyebrow in Costner's direction. "Oh, right," Slater says. "My bad."

"Cut," says Reynolds.

"No, no, it's okay," says Costner. "Keep rolling, we'll just go again."

"Let's try it again," mutters Reynolds. He has a brief flashback to the set of Fandango. His eye twitches once.

Morgan Freeman is still looking at Christian Slater. He then looks at Costner, who is again concentrating on the Anglo-Saxon warrior within. Freeman takes a deep breath, trying to center himself. It's a bit harder this time, but suddenly he has a vision of a tall man on a Mexican beach fixing a boat, and is overcome with peace. He opens his eyes, full of Moorish fire, and bellows, "Christian!"

"Hm?" says Slater, cocking an eyebrow toward Freeman. Costner keeps his eyes closed. Freeman desperately clings to his vision of tropical paradise.

Reynolds sighs. "It's okay, just keep 'em-"

"Cut!" yells Costner. He walks off to a nearby line of trees.

"Ah... I'm sorry," says Slater. "Maybe Kevin's character could have a less confusing name? Hm? Are the writers on-set?"

Costner is gazing into the distance, imagining rolling plains covered with millions of the majestic tatanka.

Reynolds is muttering to himself about a post-apocalyptic world in which the glaciers have melted and covered the planet in one big ocean.

Freeman has his eyes closed, and is back on that Mexican beach. He sees the tall man working on the boat. The sand turns velvety red. The tall man turns into a golden statue. Freeman smiles a big, toothy grin. Suddenly, a strange man in shorts and sneakers, with long scraggly hair and a red baseball cap, comes jogging across the beach. He jogs past Freeman, stops, turns around, says "I'm pretty tired, I think I'll go home now," grabs the golden statue, and runs back from whence he came. The smile disappears from Freeman's face.

Slater has one eyebrow cocked, looking around at the other actors for validation. "Right?" he says. "Less confusing names?"

Reynolds snaps out of his hallucinatory state, takes a few seconds to remember why he is in a medieval forest, sees Costner is nowhere to be found, is overcome by happiness, and announces, "Alright, let's take five. We'll get it when we come back!"

"I hope," mutters Morgan Freeman.